"What's Wrong With Me?" My late ADHD diagnosis.

For years, I asked myself the same question:

What's wrong with me?

I wasn't necessarily mean to myself, but I was constantly confused. Why couldn't I seem to do the simple things that everyone else could do? I could bigger ticket items like building a career, travelling, buying real estate, raising a human, etc…but really struggled with the day to day stuff. From the outside, most people probably thought I had it together. They actually told me sometimes to which I’d think “You have NO idea”. And of course they had no idea, because I kept it to myself.

Behind the scenes, I felt like I was struggling all the time. I should do this, I should do that. I felt like I was failing and treading water in every area of my life.

I couldn't seem to keep things organized. I'd clean a room and it would be messy again before I knew it. I'd organize a drawer, only to find myself digging through it a week later. Paperwork piled up. Taxes felt overwhelming. Every task seemed to require more effort than it should. AND WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!?!?

What I didn't realize at the time was how much energy I was spending trying to stay on top of everything.

I thought everyone was struggling just as much as I was and had somehow figured out a system that I hadn't.

I also believed I was moving through life carelessly. Mindlessly. That if I just tried harder, paid more attention, or got more disciplined, I would finally figure it out.

Instead, I spent most of my adult years carrying around a quiet sense that something was wrong with me.

Then I was diagnosed with ADHD.

I still remember the feeling. It was relief.

My first thought was, "Oh... that's what's happening."

For the first time, I realized these weren't character flaws.

There wasn't something wrong with me.

My brain simply worked differently than I understood, and now I could learn about it.

Suddenly, so many things made sense. The overwhelm. The clutter. The unfinished tasks. The constant feeling that I was behind. The mental load of trying to keep track of everything while wondering why it seemed easier for everyone else. The addiction, numbing, avoidance and isolation.

Looking back, I can also see how much I was masking. Most people had no idea how hard I was working just to keep up with everyday life.

Learning about ADHD didn't magically solve everything, but it did give me something I had never given myself before:

Understanding.

And with understanding came compassion.

Recently, I heard someone describe feeling like everyone else had life figured out while they were secretly struggling. As I listened, I found myself nodding along because that's exactly how I felt for so many years.

So if you're reading this and wondering why life feels harder than it seems to for everyone else, please know that you're not alone.

There may be a reason you're struggling.

There may be an explanation for the overwhelm.

And most importantly, there is nothing wrong with you. There just might be something going on that you haven’t seen yet.

If any part of this story feels familiar, know that you're not alone. Sometimes the first step isn't finding a solution, it's realizing there's a reason you've been struggling. Be curious, be kind to yourself, and remember that awareness is often where change begins and support is there so you don’t have to travel this path alone.

Courtenay 💜